Friday, August 7, 2009

Baby's Last Steps.....

Baby took her last steps the other day, to a better life I believe.
She's not sick now.....but I am, I miss her like crazy, she always loved me, I will always love her.
She lived to 15 a good life! This picture is the first time I was able to get her to look into the camera. Not long before she died, I didn't know that then.
She taught me many to love without condition, forgiveness of wrongs. To get home on time or sure enough there would be a pencil chewed in half! That's all she did to show displeasure with me, but as soon as I showed up she came running, best friends once again.
A friend from Kosovo put a cake on my coffee table and Baby ate it. I have never heard the end of that. My friend said she will never make me another cake, and she hasn't ... she kept her promise! I learned another lesson don't ever put food on the coffee table!
I see the picture here, to me I see love in her eyes for me.
I left her at my daughters while I moved west. I decided to start a new life for the two of us.
It took so long to finally be able to bring her home to me. In her eyes I see she missed me. Why did you leave Mom? Sorry Babe, but I'm bringing you home very soon.
I happily went with her to the vet, to get shots up to date, see if she is flying worthy. He said yes. He told me she also has skin cancer. What?? She's not in pain is she? No, he said. She will get worse though. I'm thinking well she is only 15 I'll take good care of her, I can get her through this, can't I?
I spent my time back east, with her, she wouldn't leave my side or me her side. She was going to fly out after I got home as my sister and I drove to pick up some of my things, no room for Baby in the truck.
My daughter tells me she is getting worse, every day I clean up pools of blood she tells me, put a doggie diaper on her please, I ask.
But Mom, she says, this one isn't going to go away. I tell her, I'll phone a couple vets, I've always believed in being informed. I heard only what I wanted, but one comment kept coming back, she's 15 they go down fast at that age. FAST! I just got back from seeing her!! In a week a week, what is a week! You see her picture, she looks good right? right. My struggle was deep and intense. I asked all my friends please please pray!!! Now God you can do my puppy please! Don't tell me she's old! She is only 15, she has many good years left.
My daughter again, (the voice of reason) I can't do it anymore Mom, it's too much. The way she is now she just may die on the flight, but Shiney she has been with me for 15 yrs!! I know Mom she says, it's not easy, but she's my buddy, I cry. Didn't know I had all those buts in me. Finally I thought about my family, they loved Baby too, they would never put her down without good reason, I needed to trust them. I called my daughter told her, I trust you and your sister to make the right decision, please let me know when the appointment is made.
The day came fast, I wasn't called, but I knew I could feel it. Then the phone call. Mom she's gone now and we buried her. She went quietly, Ok I said, ok. What did the vet say? He said he was happy over the decision. Ok then. I talked to my older daughter, how did it go I ask, she said she cried and cried they were all holding on to my Baby, the vet kept petting her. I asked how they got her out, I carried her like a baby she said. Oh no, My Baby, please no, my heart hurt so bad!
Rocks were put around her burial spot, by my son-in-law, a cross is being made. I'm proud of my girls, they did a hard thing. For me it was so hard not being there. I feel a quiet now. I'm sad, lost. Sometimes I think she is here, in this place she never actually was......but I feel her around. I hear a sound. I realized with Baby I was never alone. My Baby took her last steps August 4/09. All I have to do is listen to the breezes, look at beauty, see someone with a big heart, There she is in all that is good and beautiful. Love unconditional.....


  1. I know you miss her but she had a wonderful life and the two of you shared some great memories together. It's hard now but just remember that she's always with you and the love you shared will never be gone.
    Love you,

  2. Thankyou Suzanne, I love you back.

  3. I know you miss her terribly. I have a dog, Bear, who is also 15 and he has gone down hill fast. First it started out with just a case of arthritis in his back legs, but within a few short weeks he began to fall all the time and now he can not walk, can not even stand up to relieve himself.

    I got to see him today and tell him goodbye and that I love him. Knowing that I will never see him again. I could not stand to see him suffer the way that he is. He wants so bad to be able to stand up, to love on us, play and run, but truth be told, he will never be able to again.

    So with many many tears in my eyes I told my mother to please have him put down. She doesn't want to, but even though it tears me up inside I know he is not living and is in sooo much pain. My mom says she will take him tomorrow. This is a VERY difficult decision to make and I truly hate it. But voice of reason says he is not living, only existing.

    So I know EXACTLY what you are dealing with and my thoughts and prayers are with you. Our babies my be gone, but never ever forgotten.

    Tammy M.

  4. Aww Tammy, It is so very hard, I know. The gut wrenching decision, to put them down. My thoughts and prayers are with you as well. Our babies will never be forgotten. I was told once that we are never alone, you are proof of that as we go through this together.
    Allayne xo